I’m still here. Not only have I been away for a while but my last post apparently didn’t post over a month ago.
I’m tired, which is not new. I am planning more treatments, trying to arrange second opinions about continued systemic treatments, and scheduling future surgeries. I just haven’t wanted to write about any of it. December was hard with the holidays (see last entry posted late – and my strategy failed!) and some anxiety waiting for the slew of medical appointments that began last week. I also decided that therapy is probably a good idea as I’m contemplating all the things. Last session nihilism, existentialism, stoicism and absurdism were topics…among many things…so while my body is very tired and my brain is very…I’m not even sure there is a word I know that could describe the fluctuations.
Anyway. I am taking disability leave from work to try to get my life a little more settled (maybe I will sleep like I used to again. Some day?) as I continue PT and other follow up appointments and prepare for a preventative hysterectomy on Feb. 5. My mom is coming to town to help out around that so that will be helpful. Me being me, I’m mostly worried about when I will be able to ride and do horse things again. The surgery is laproscopic so hopefully two weeks to basic normal functioning…although given the hormonal changes I might be a little extra. We shall see.
Tomorrow I meet with the plastic surgeon to figure out my reconstruction plan – it’s DIEP-flap surgery and google it if you want it is hard to explain and also kind of gross imho. Hopefully the first step of that surgical adventure will be later this year…mid-year maybe. The follow up surgeries should be minor.
I should also see a medical oncologist at UNC for a second opinion this week but she had a family emergency so I don’t know when that’ll happen. The longer I wait the more I wonder if I should just go with my gut and not take the chemo that gave me painful joint pain related side effects in November. I don’t know. I have decision fatigue over all of this.
So, here I am, for proof of life purposes.
Thanks to everyone for your support (omg the gofundme saved me while I was out without pay – thank you you know who y’all are!!!!!) and good vibes and prayers during a very strange and difficult time of my life. So much of life just keeps going and so much has changed. I miss work and seeing our west coast alumni out there. I’m grateful for riding and having Banner to focus on and get me outside. I look forward to being back to “normal” whatever that turns out to be.
I wish everyone who reads this a happy and healthy 2019. 💕