SoFarSoGood

Hi!

So this week has been kinda hard! A lesson in “letting go” and in remaining nimble and open to change. My neutrophil number (this is some combination that measures my white blood cells etc. was low, as I mentioned in my last post, and as such I planned to work from home. However, I have been so wiped out that I spent much of the weekend and week sleeping. Or, trying to sleep because I was having pain in my toes and aching legs. Turns out neuropathy is pretty unpleasant.

I talked to my medical oncologist, Dr. Kimmick, on Tuesday and we discussed options given the development of this side effect that Pollyanna here had assumed was no big deal! It’s sort of no big deal, if it doesn’t get worse and isn’t permanent. But it turns out…there’s really about no scientific data that tells us if either one of those things will be true. Truth be told I got pretty upset initially, but after talking with Dr. Kimmick I felt better and got back into the present moment (for the most part.) She said it is important I get rest and we’ll discuss options next week.

So, no chemo today. I’m working at home, since I didn’t get a lot of work done earlier in the week because of above, pain meds, and attempts to sleep. I’ll see Dr. Kimmick on Tuesday and then I guess I’ll decide whether I’ve had enough of placitaxel (taxol) and carboplatin. I’ve had 7 of 12 treatments of taxol and 6 of carbo and apparently it isn’t uncommon to stop early. However, it is definitely working, honestly right now if I gave myself a breast exam I wouldn’t know there had been (and still is) cancer. Thanks to dense breast tissue, which frankly I’ve been appreciative of until now!!

Hard decisions will be ahead. How does one weigh quality of life vs. quantity of life – especially when the options regarding those two things aren’t based on clear outcomes. I know I will end up following my gut about this decision and I know what my gut thinks right now even though my toe pain is getting better. Until I have to make a decision, I’m going to engage in light exercise daily even if exhausted because that helps with neuropathy/leg pain and my outlook. Did a light workout last night and boom much better. And don’t worry, all you lovely worriers who may be reading, when I say light I mean very very light. Like walking/stretching/a few yoga poses. I won’t risk wearing myself down.

My next medical appointments are on Tuesday, June 5th. Depending what I decide with my doctor, I may have chemo then. It may be a less dense dose of taxol/carbo or maybe start on AC. AC apparently wipes you out so I might wait until Friday if that’s the direction we go. But I also get Neulasta on AC so that should keep my white blood cells happy – assuming I don’t have a side effect that prevents continues use. I hear I’ve missed out on a lot of Neulasta commercials so I had to Google it and I would like one of the handsome men from the commercials, e.g. https://www.ispot.tv/ad/wx59/neulasta-onpro-rather-be-home-onpro to come make me tea, if one of you could take care of that, thank you. I feel like that should be included in the treatment. I mean, how hard could that be? Finally, suddenly those long side effects disclaimers? They suddenly don’t seem quite as funny to me! Still funny enough I thought about it.

That’s it for now. Send me all your good vibes, prayers, juju, healing thoughts and whatever you got.

Thank you!

So, Friday was my 7^th chemo treatment – and before the appointment it struck me that I was starting to get tired of this.   Good news, it turns out, Melissa Vetterkind I had a complete hoot of a day at Duke Cancer Institute.  While I am definitely easily amused I can’t tell you how many times I laughed during my 5.5 hour visit to DCI.   This was a good thing.   And yet, as with most things in life, there were some not as good things that developed along the way too.

I guess I’ll start with the bad news first.   My white platelets were low enough that I was only able to receive Taxol and not the Carboplatin I’ve been getting.  Before I got too worried my wonderful nurse practitioner Dawn told me this is very typical for the dose dense treatment I’ve been getting and I don’t need to “make up” the Carbo dose.

Since my white counts were low I was advised to avoid the “general public” until we know they are back up again…so I had a long holiday weekend mostly with dogs and horses.  Really all Dawn had to do to motivate this cloistered behavior was tell me that I’m extra susceptible to bacterial infections and that if my temperature rises to 100.5 I must go straight to the Emergency Room for IV antibiotics.  Ugh okay I’ll avoid the public!  I did get a little catch up time with friends at the barn(s) but avoided public places like malls and grocery stores and really any place that has public bathrooms.  I’m a bit bored and ready to work tomorrow even if it’s working from home and avoiding the public all week.   Maybe I can get some blood work run earlier than Friday so I can go to the office…maybe that is just me being ridiculously impatient and not wanting cancer to limit my lifestyle.    Also can I just say how glad I am I didn’t know my white counts were low before we got the tour and time to shoot hoops at Cameron Indoor?!   So glad!  Priorities.

Another side effect of taxanes I’ve been a little in denial about is peripheral neuropathy.   I’m going to talk to my providers this week since I’ve noticed numbness/pain in my toes.   When they ask each week if I’m experiencing any pain/tingling/numbness in my feet or hands I’ve been responding that yes a little in my feet but that I’ve had some structural issues with my feet before that caused similar pain/numbness/throbbing.  I finally admitted to myself this is a little different and I finally decided to google it again…which made me realize I should let my providers know.  It may be that my dose dense chemo needs to be reduced a bit because it turns out peripheral neuropathy (numbness, tingling in feet/toes/hands) damage can be and often is a permanent side effect from taxanes (which I am getting every week.)   Okay now I’m gonna go back to not thinking about that until I get some medical advice.

For someone whose immune system is compromised, I feel pretty good overall.  I’ve managed to get a good bit of rest over the weekend and a little bit of exercise in the form of riding and yard work.  As someone who is used to taking care of most of the to-dos in life myself, I have to practice remembering to avoid semi-risky things I would normally do – e.g. I caught myself before deciding to suit up and pull up the poison ivy that has made a new home around my big gardenia.  Whew.  This would this not be the time to find out my body has decided to become reactive to poison ivy.  So…I reached out to the guys who mow my lawn and hopefully they’ll take care of it!

As for last Friday  – it was a lot of fun at DCI.  I’m not sure if it’s because I always go on Fridays but all the nurses and staff I deal with are usually in a good mood and Friday was definitely no exception.  Conversations ranged from whether or not beards are full of bacteria to horse trailers to hearing stories about what it was like to practice as an Emergency Room nurse at Duke Hospital in 1967!   So it was super fun (for a day at the hospital) and Melissa and I had some good laughs along the way.  The gift of this experience is that it makes me really appreciate beauty, laughter, and the kindness I see and experience each day.

Once again, I am grateful the many  friends, family, acquaintances, strangers – sometimes also the very people I’d have least expected – have been so loving and empathetic, and I am filled with gratitude for that support.

Thursday was awesome!!

We had an amazing insiders’ tour of Cameron Indoor Stadium with my Alumni & Development Office yesterday…and I won the Knockout shooting competition!!   What?!!   I can’t remember the last time I shot baskets but I played nonstop with my brother and other random latchkey and not latchkey kids throughout my childhood – until freshman year when we scrimmaged with the JV team and I had contact lens issues and basically wanted to punch everyone in the face with my scrawny arms that earned me the nickname “noodle” during volleyball season.   Coach told me I could get Kareem Abdul Jabar type glasses and I was 14 so what do you thing I said?!  A better season of volleyball but still I peaked in regular sports at 14.

Anyway, it was epic staff outing.   Everyone shot hoops and the whole thing was so much fun much gratitude to my colleague and former ACC Women’s Tournament Champ and I think maybe final four participator Lauren Rice.   Note to all: Lauren was not part of the Knockout competition and I’m pretty sure my fantastic manager Geoff threw away his opportunity to knock me out cause he’s a way better shot than me and a good coach when it got to me vs. my other “peaked in middle school” finalist for the Knockout.

All I know is when I’m done with chemo?  I’m playing more basketball!!   It was

so fun and so cool to be in Cameron empty and see the practice courts, meet some women’s players, meet the strength and conditioning coach and see his palatial weight room set up (why can’t I work out there, oh right) and also one of Lauren’s colleagues who does all the tape/replay work for Coach K and gave us an overview which made me really appreciate all that goes into college hoops!   I already loved hoops and now even more!   Also my brother and I swept the office pool last year and I got second this year and I’m going to super duper competitive next year so watch out!   Gonna make more women’s games this season too.

Okay.  Enough with the fun stuff!   JK.  Next post will be about today and a hilarious day at the Duke Cancer Institute I’m pretty sure my cheeks are sore from laughing even though my bloodwork wasn’t 100%.   I am told the low white cell counts are normal so, no worries!!   I got Taxol and no Carboplatin today but apparently, this is normal and common.   Winning basketball shootouts not so much.  And if you haven’t shot baskets for a while or played Horse (basketball not the animal) get out there with a ball and shoot ’em!!   I’ll play you anytime it’s such simple fun!!

I love my colleagues.   So much.  I can’t even.

It’s a marathon, not a sprint.

I have always thought that analogy was a bit on the trite side.  Plus, for the brief period where I thought I might have had some potential in track & field it was in the shorter runs not the distance.   The other thing is, in life, the whole thing is a “marathon” and when you are done you are gone.  Which, I suppose, is exactly how it went with the first person to run a marathon, he ran 26.2 miles and then he died.   My ex-husband liked to use this as a reason why he would never run a marathon, although it was decidedly a tongue-in-cheek statement made during that phase in your 30s when suddenly all your beer drinking buddies take up marathoning and tri-althleting and so on and so forth.

I digress.  I have thought a lot this past week about dying and death.  About a week ago, a good friends father passed away.  It had been a challenging parental relationship with highs and lows of a glamorous sort, and they had been able to reconnect over the past few years as he suffered from several illnesses that eventually took him down.  Her father was a larger than life character, and a horse person, so I have enjoyed stories about him and am glad my friend found some semblance of peace with that relationship before he passed.   We had lunch last weekend and she told me some more fascinating stories about his life and how it swirled around hers growing up…nothing like my childhood in a small university town in Oregon.   I am thinking of her this week as she goes to spread his ashes with some family members around the beautiful horse country of Virginia.

Last Friday evening I learned that a colleague, whom I did not know well but respected and admired very much, passed away after a less than 6 month battle with a very aggressive cancer.  Adriane was the first person I spoke to who was either recently treated for cancer or undergoing it – and she was an incredible resource of encouragement and an absolutely godsend sharing her vast knowledge of wigs and eyebrow serums and nutritional suggestions.   It was so nice to have someone similarly situated in life, around my age, to talk to and also to listen to as she explained the hardships of her treatment.   So when I heard the news, a part of me could not believe it at first, although I did realize that it had metastasized to her brain and thus I rationally knew this was probably happening short of some sort of miracle.   Adriane was an amazing woman, great at her job, strong, feminist, beautiful, smart and really in the prime of life.  She left behind a husband and a 10 and 14 year old.  I know no one ever said life is fair but, seriously?  I also know she was in a lot of physical pain, so I am glad that she is at peace from that.  I feel a twinge of survivor’s guilt too and I’m not really sure what that is about.  I made a donation to the charity her family requested but somehow that seems just like checking a box.   So I am still processing this.

In other news this week, I am being bombarded with emails encouraging me to buy end-of-life, burial, and life insurance.   So I guess Google is letting all it’s advertisers know that I might die too.   Which, in the big picture, is a true fact although I don’t think it’ll be soon!   I also don’t think I will qualify for life insurance and burial insurance is a racket!!   Anyway, just an FYI if you start Googling cancer or looking at cancer support sites you’re going to be deluged with emails reminding you of your mortality.   But really look how happy this pretend family is about their life insurance policy: life insurance ad

So, this is a rambler, but I needed to ramble I guess.  My 5^th chemo treatment was uneventful and Melissa was great to come with and fetch me afterward after she got Liam from school.  I am definitely bald-ish, which is an adjustment because though I love the wigs I have, I don’t want to throw one on to run a quick errand so I’m wearing a lot of ballcaps and I think I startled a friend of mine outside the Harris Teeter the other day because I’d take off my hat.   I think I pronounced, “Hi!  And then, I’m bald!” I’m ridiculous, I know.  But I kind of don’t mind being bald if my head gets less rashy.  Rashy is my latest chemo side effect…so I don’t think it’ll go away any time soon so more wigs, bandanas, silk scarves and ballcaps in my future.   Another new side effect is a lovely metallic taste in my mouth.  No nausea or other issues yet, the skin thing is the most aggravating since I do want to spend time outside with Banner and even with SPF and UPF clothes the heat and maybe sweat (?) seems to exacerbate my skin irritation.  Nothing I can’t manage – as long as I can sleep.   Sleep is better but still dicey some nights.   As I’m writing right now, I should be in bed, but I’m pretty much wide awake.  But the side effect definitely could be much work so I’m counting my blessings.

 

Sigh…I like to be the fun gal…and this is a sad entry.  Just know that I love you all for your support as I go through this process toward healing my body.  It is going to be a long one.   The cancer continues to shrink and my bloodwork so far is okay.   I looked at test results from last Friday that came into my chart today and some blood counts are getting low but hopefully not low enough to interrupt chemo.   Fun hair below.  Even funner today because I combed it too much and I am sporting some seriously big haar.

I suspect it’s going to get boring when I’m waiting to rest up post-chemo and pre-surgery.   Then when I have surgery, well, we’ll see, I’m told I’m supposed to rent a Barcalounger or Lazy Boy because I have to sleep upright for a while so…that’s interesting.  You can rent a chair for surgical recovery.   That’s just weird.   Cheaper than the hospital but where am I gonna put that sort of thing?!    Hopefully I will think up lots of funny things to write about when I’m stuck in a chair so I drain and heal right.   Gross.  Sigh.

I can do this!!  Thanks again to all my friends and loved ones.

P.S. My equine therapist Banner was stellar this past weekend!  On a trail ride and in a lesson.  Great weekend time with him…hoping this weekend I won’t get completely rained out!

 

This week has been the week of being awake in the middle of the night.  I’m doing okay, mostly, though I get frustrated when I can’t sleep, of course.  I had a period of insomnia in my early 20s and I’m really not looking forward to continuing this pattern…luckily last night I slept a lot, and even though I woke every two hours or so, I fell right back to sleep over the course of about 12 hours.   So today I feel slightly more refreshed than I have this week.

Hair is still hanging on but I’m pretty sure it’s going to start falling out soon.   I had a long conversation with a recent triple negative breast cancer survivor yesterday and got tons of great tips both on medical things (she was also treated at the Duke Cancer Institute but got some second opinions along the way) and also some tips on hair regrowth, supplements to avoid neuropathy, and even the best pillows to buy for post-mastectomy rest.  The latter is not really something I want to think about right now, but it’s good to have items saved in my Amazon.com list!

Now, even though I’m still tired, I’m going to go ride at my friend Jeanette’s place which means the dogs will have a big time too!  Then I have my 4^th round of chemo so that mean’s I’m 25% done with chemotherapy according to the current plan at least.  I haven’t been out to see horses this week (just too worn out) but hopefully will be able to Saturday and Sunday.   Also, massage Saturday..and Cinco de Mayo…and it’s my birthday!

My birthday wish for my 46^th is probably pretty obvious…but I’m hoping and planning be cancer-free when I celebrate my 47^th!!

Those of you with whom I’m connected on social media know that I had a special visitor for chemo on Friday the 27^th – my dad!   He flew in from Oregon arriving late Thursday night and stayed through Monday morning.   We had a great visit over the weekend visiting with friends, Banner (the horse), and engaging in long rambling conversations about life, health, mindfulness, compassion, and so many other things.   Dad probably got some good reading time in too because I crashed every night by about 7:30/8 p.m.

Friday’s chemo appointment went well and once again my bloodwork was stellar.   I didn’t see my my oncologist this visit, I only see her every 3^rd visit, so didn’t get an official measurement but I can verify that the growths are shrinking.  The upside of having a scary fast cancer growing where you can feel it getting bigger as you await treatment is that you also can feel it getting smaller and less organized once the chemotherapy starts doing it’s work.   So grateful for scientific discovery and particularly for the discovery that triple negative breast cancer should be treated first with chemo, then surgery, and then radiation.   Long road, yes, but the odds of a successful cancer-free outcome are much higher thanks to recent research breakthroughs for this particular, less common variety of breast cancer.

In addition to the happy wonder of being able to feel my tumors dissipate, I am somewhat flummoxed that I still have my hair.   I’ve done some googling (this seems to happen in the middle of the night when I wake up for an hour or so, which seems to be my thing now) and it turns out there are a few patients who go through various forms of chemotherapy and don’t lose their hair.   Is it possible I’m one of them?   Time will tell.   I’m still eager to wear my wigs.  So there may at least be a short haircut in my future.   Once I’m done with 9 more treatments of taxol/carboplatin I will have 4 biweekly treatments of AC, which may prompt hair loss and other side effects as well.

I don’t know why my side effects seem to be relatively mild but I’m grateful.  I feel a little bit guilty now and then like I’m not doing cancer right – but I guess there’s not a right way to do cancer just like there isn’t one right way to do anything!  People have told me everyone responds differently, so it appears that is true.   I’m definitely experiencing abnormal fatigue, am more thirsty, and reminding myself constantly to tune into to my body, e.g. I thought I might do some errands after work yesterday and maybe ride.  Instead I got one small errand done, realized I was exhausted, and had the best two hour nap I’ve had in a long time.

One other side effect I have not avoided is that I am super duper sensitive to the sun.   Dad and I made a trek to the outlet mall and I got an array of UPF rated shirts (sun protection) for riding and being outside in the summer.   Also I got two cute/ugly UPF hats.   I suspect I will amass a collection of semi ugly UPF wear.   But worth it as I get weirdly red after sun exposure.  It’s gone in a day (just has happened on my lower face and my upper chest) but it can’t be good for me.   So sunscreen and UPF clothes will be the theme of the summer!

I went back to work Monday and am getting on a regular schedule there which is good.  My regular schedule includes working from home on Tuesdays but I will be in the office on M, Weds, Thursday every week.  It feels great to be getting into a new routine/newtine.  I’m so glad to have colleagues I’m happy to see and vice versa and hope I can continue my physical presence in the office throughout treatment – other than a few weeks around surgery maybe?   Who knows!

Thank you thank you thank you to everyone who has written me notes, cards, emails, funny gifts, provided food, sent thoughts, prayers or healing power, dropped off emergency Diet Coke, gave me their company at home or at the hospital, pulled weeds in my yard, or donated leave time to me through Duke University’s amazing Kiel donation program.   My heart has been so full of gratitude I think that has to be a superpower to fight cancer too.   All of you are helping me in ways beyond what you think you may be doing and I look forward to being able to pay that forward throughout my life.

I apologize to anyone I’ve yet to write back and promise I will start working through some of my personal emails.

Goal for the week: developing new-tines!   Some of you know how much I love to make up new terms…and if not you’ll probably get to know that if you follow this.

It became clear last weekend, which was awesome, that I need to set up some routines to take care of the basics of life in addition to cancer treatment and equine therapy.  Either that or get used to eating take out all the time which isn’t my jam.  Before I started riding again, I often grocery shopped and cooked on Sundays, sometimes all day, but that went by the wayside a year ago when I started riding in earnest and any nice Sunday was a riding day.   Nonetheless, now, as in before cancer, I still need to get basic groceries, do some prep work, do a little yard work (as little as possible per usual), pick up scripts and other necessities, and make sure the dogs get enough exercise.   I am most relaxed when I have routines and the dogs like it too.

Critical to determining my new-tine routine was setting a regular work schedule, health permitting.   Mission accomplished until further notice.  My manager and I have figured out the work schedule and developing some systems to keep track of my work hours and projects when we aren’t in the same place.   I’m hoping to be in the office as much as possible – I perk up instantly when I get to the office, and how lucky am I for that?  Yes, yes, I know.  Since I need to be out most Fridays for treatment for the next few months we created a plan for now; of course when surgery/recovery (estimated to happen in October) and radiation treatments start in late November/early December, we’ll probably rework things but it’s good to have a “game plan.”  I know it’s important to my healing to stay engaged with my work because I love it.   I’ll miss traveling like I normally do but I’m hopeful I can stay engaged as we welcome our new Dean, Kerry Abrams, and introduce her to alumni around the country.   It should be an exciting year at Duke Law.

I have some work to do on some of the other new-tines…plus getting excited to see my dad who arrives tonight from Oregon.   When I have company routines are a little harder, but I’ll be sure to pick up groceries this week and also get out to see Banner again.   For the record my dad says he wants to “see” the horse but not ride it.

Speaking of Banner – I hadn’t gone out to see him for a couple days that coincided with some sleep issues.   I went yesterday after work and got there in time to feed him his dinner (they’re fattening him up fast which he needs!) and also give him his first bath since he’s arrived in NC.   He was a good boy so that was a relief.   I was happy to see and hear he’s settling in with his pasturemates and has been adopted by the “boss mare” in the group a sweet old 26 year old Morgan named Bailey.   After his bath I hand-grazed him for a while and just enjoyed the surprisingly pleasant early evening weather.   And guess what?  I slept almost the whole night.  Because of course.

I gotta work on my youtube skills.   In all my spare time.

Also: I still have hair.  It still looks sort of like this:  

I keep pulling on it but so far it’s not ready to go.  Should be soon.   So if you see me and it looks like this – behold the magic of fabulous wigs!

 

 

 

It’s been too long since I posted!  I suppose it’s a good thing that it feels like time is flying by since my cancer treatment seems likely to last at least a year and a few months…and I guess it’s good to focus on the day by day.   And the day by day has been pretty great so far!!   Maybe the whole year will fly by?That would be nice although I also want to enjoy the many amazing moments that happen.   Many of these moments are a credit to some who might read this – especially my colleagues since they’re most affected day-by-day by my shifting schedule.   I’m so grateful for the support I’ve gotten in various forms from my Duke Law ADO team.   The empathy and concern I’ve received from alumni has been very touching too and I can’t wait to get back out on the road and see folks across the country.  It may be a while, but it will happen.

Okay – so getting to the cancer treatment part.  Friday I had my second chemo treatment.   The basic drill for Fridays is I go to the lab so they can “access” my port, take blood to run blood tests, and place a catheter for the chemotherapy transfusion.  After that, my friend Jennifer and I went to meet with my medical oncologist, Gretchen Kimmick.   She had good news on my labs – they basically looked like my labs before chemo so that means I’m tolerating it well.   I asked if it was possible my ridiculous amount of water consumption is helping with that…and got a shrug.  Basically, there’s not a lot of science into who gets which side effects.   But, she did say, “you will lose your hair soon.”  So I’m waiting for that.  In even better news, she measured the tumor and it actually shrunk from 8×9 cm to 7×8 cm which is a lot for one treatment and means it’s working.   Once again I was so grateful for a friend to be there with me – I was so excited about my bloodwork I apparently missed the details about the tumor shrinking, Jen did not miss that important update!!   Whew, thanks Jen!   Once I realized this I did emotional cartwheels for an hour at least.

Next we went up to the chemo floor.  Learned a handy tip – no matter what time your appointment is the wait time is typically 45 minutes from when a patient checks in form chemo.  They have these handy little pagers (like some restaurants do) that notify you when it’s time to get your vitals checked – so if you happen to come to chemo with me remind me to go ahead and check in even if we’re early.  Many days I won’t have the doc appointment (only every third week) in between the port draw and chemo so this is especially important for those days.

Chemo was uneventful but fun (!) – somehow I managed to get a window room again!  My nurse was awesome and Jennifer and I settled in with snacks and chit chat.  The chemo only takes an hour and a half to administer but there’s lots of process beforehand.   My long time equestrian friend, Elizabeth Hays, joined us too and Jen and Eliz got to discuss all things teenager and Eliz and I downloaded a bit about horses.  This Friday’s chemo nurse called us the “party room” as did last week’s and I think perhaps that’s because I’m there on Friday nights but if you feel like coming and laughing a lot let me know.

After treatment finished I went to move my horse Banner to a different farm…unfortunately he wasn’t fitting in with the herd.   Kind of sad change, because of leaving human friends there, but I think is the best for him and I’ll keep up with the humans.  He is definitely a low man on the totem pole as far as his personality and fingers crossed he’ll start to settle in and put on some weight.  It might mean fewer donkey-riding opportunities for Scooter, but we will still go there for dog field trips because we must!

Saturday I was still kind of high on my positive cancer news.  While I took a moment to remind myself that it’s a marathon, and there’s still much more chemo, surgery, and radiation in my future, I decided to seize the day.  I went to turn Banner out with his new pasture mates and then met up with my friends Melanie and TJ Watson to go to the Red Mountain Hounds Hunter Pace.   This is always a blast and I’m finally in good enough riding shape I knew I would be able to walk afterward unlike the last few I’ve done with them (wherein at one point I had to request to slow the horses to a walk for a moment because I could no longer feel my legs.)  I was pleased to be able to keep up until mile 5 or so when my awesome mount Fiore (one of theirs) clipped her front shoe and pulled it while we were cantering down a rocky trail.   I told TJ and Mel to keep going because I wanted our team to win (!) and walked Fiore a good couple of miles to the nearest pasture so I could get back on her and ease on in for a DNF.  She was very compliant and I learned that hiking the hunter pace is, in fact, harder than riding it.   But I did it!

Sunday.  I think it goes without saying that I was exhausted.  I slept most of the day and went out to see Banner and give him a couple of shots he needed for NC.   Melissa and her son Liam came out to meet him and walk around the farm some too.  It was a nice evening.  Too tired for cooking or grocering I picked up some takeout afterward, went home, ate, and slept.   Well, I tried to sleep, it was a restless night as my legs seem to get sore a few days out (and I don’t think it’s all from exercise) and Scooter decided that there was a skunk or cat or raccoon or something circumnavigating outside the house so he wanted to go on patrol every two hours or so.  Sigh.

I still made it to the office and was able to join the team “huddle” for the first time in a few weeks due to my varying schedule.   I’m excited to get on a routine of being in the office most days – I am thankful that working from home is an option for me but it’s more fun and energizing for me to be in the office.

I took a nap late afternoon/early eve which was one of those epic naps that you have when one is exhausted and the mind is clear.   Made myself get up to finish this and some work things so I can sleep tonight.   Scooter has been out a lot today and I hope that helps!!

I’m an optimist but it ain’t always sunshine and light up in here

Last night I was exhausted after going into work for 5 hours – then taking the dogs to the vet for Sister to have her drains removed and for annual exam for Scooter and boosters for both.   I went to bed super early which may have been a bad idea.  Sister was restless and thus I was too…tonight she’ll be readjusting to sleeping in her old crate.   Hopefully this will help us both to heal.

I kept waking up every couple of hours and remembering I have cancer again.  It reminds me of when someone close has passed away, or for me, when I got separated en route to divorce, how reality seems to float away in your sleep and then revisit a few minutes after you’re awake.  It is hard to describe that feeling but just kind of an “oh yeah, that’s reality now.”

I suppose it’s to be expected as it settles in that I now have breast cancer and that it will always be a part of my life even once I’m healed and hopefully a long term survivor for many years.   My life is split again by something profound, like birth, graduations, marriage, divorce, certain jobs that made an impact on me (like the one I have now and love so much at Duke Law) – there is another divider in the timeline of my life – before cancer and after cancer.

I was thinking the other day about how so many other moments in life don’t stick with us like these big moments…little dividers we don’t even know changed the course of our lives…even deciding to take a different way home from work one day or to stop for a drink of water.   At any rate, this cancer experience really can’t be anything but a big one.   Most of the time if I stop to ponder how it has changed and will continue to change my life I think – wow – this is a transformational life experience.   I have great hope that it will transform my life in beautiful and powerful ways, and that I can come out the other side of it to find myself able to make a positive impact on the world and the people in it.

I’ve already seen so much beauty and kindness from family I don’t see often (and of course those I do), colleagues, Duke Law alumni, friends from my childhood, high school, college and law school; even complete strangers and it has been absolutely heartbreakingly beautiful in many ways.  Particularly when juxtaposed with current events in America and beyond, it strikes me so strongly that humans, despite all the horrible things we do to each other, all have so much to give in terms of love and hope and empathy.   If we could just see each other as having something in common.   That is the door that cancer has opened for me – everyone sees in me someone they’ve known and loved and it’s just beautiful to be on the receiving end of such generous kindness and compassion.   At a later time, I will have to ponder how we can accomplish more of that without giving everyone cancer.

And yet, I can’t lie, when I think about my life before cancer, a little voice inside of me, I think it’s 5 year old me, asks why we can’t go back to life before cancer?

Three year old me:

For those of you who want to know more about my treatment here’s a quick overview – it made me feel good to stumble across this as it is a sign my oncologists are on top of the latest treatments for triple negative – http://www.breastcancer.org/research-news/triple-negative-may-have-new-tx-option.   My stage is considered IIIA because it is locally advanced (large tumor(s) and in lymph node) but it has not metastasized and that is a great thing.

Last Friday, April 13^th (yes I know it’s good luck!) I had two more biopsies done, one on each breast, done with the assistance of an MRI.  I was glad I’d had that sort of MRI experience before (see previous post) and also glad they administered some Ativan so the whole thing was pretty painless…until later ouch!   I didn’t realize the breast biopsy I’d had before was fine needle and this was a core biopsy so larger samples.  I guess that’s why they thought it was odd I was going to have chemo the same day but I was ready to get going with my treatment.

So today is Tuesday the 17^th and I feel far better than I expected to after chemo.   I managed to get outside with dogs and horses on Saturday and Sunday – though I was only out of my bed both days for about 8-9 hours.   Still that was pretty lovely.  Monday I made it to the office for a little more than half a day and that was great despite me getting a little paranoid about picking up germs.   Today I worked from home and also went to buy a bunch of antibacterial things to wipe all the things down with all the time.  I’m curious to see what my bloodwork looks like on Friday and to learn more about what to expect as far as side effects.   Other than being quite tired (and doing related stuff like throwing away important mail and missing conference call meetings because I thought it was an hour later) and having a slightly lessened appetite, I mostly feel normal.   Maybe some aches that are different but I am guessing from lots of time in bed.   I am starting to wonder am I one of the exceptions to the feeling-horrible-from-chemo rule…but I’m not going to dare to jinx myself.  I’ve heard the effects can be cumulative and that staying active and getting rest and having a positive attitude are some of the biggest consistencies with people who tolerate it well…so I am going to remain cautiously, actively, sleepfully optimistic!