Grace
On Easter Sunday, it will be the two week anniversary of my discovery of a lump that no woman wants to discover. I rolled over in the middle of the night and felt some pain in my left breast. I felt it and it felt weird. I felt my right one. It was clearly extremely different, so much that I wondered if one of my dogs jumped on me and gave me a hematoma, or maybe, in all my natural grace, I’d walked into a wall or something. As I fitfully tried to sleep and alternately cuddled my pups Scooter and Sister for the rest of the night, I knew I’d be calling my wonderful primary care physician in the morning.
Fast forward I have a biopsy and it’s positive for invasive ductal breast cancer. My intuition told me it was some form of something not good as I waited a week for the results, but I still spent March 19th mostly crying and calling/messaging family, friends and colleagues. I’ve been humbled, more than I can express, by the outpouring of love and support I’ve received from folks. Jennifer Weaver made it possible for me to get through the first day at the Duke Cancer Institute. It was a lot. The biomarkers came back and I learned it’s triple negative breast cancer – about 20% of breast cancers are this fast-growing type which explains the lemon like mass that continues to grow. Thank goodness for Jennifer…she took notes which allowed me to listen and I was able to get a pretty good handle on the order of go for tests and treatment. I’m so blessed with so many amazing women in my life. Also, Weaver takes incredible notes!! Ah, god bless the lawyers. Yes, I just blessed myself.
This weekend I bought my first wigs. Seriously they look so good I might just shave my head early and never go back to my boring real hair again. Though of course I’m sure it will be emotional to lose it and so quickly. Props to Amy Jackson for coming with me (and Scooter) and making it fun…and for the giant vat of healthy delicious lentil soup!!
If all goes as I expect in the short term, Melissa Vetterkind will generously give up her day to get me to DCI at 6:45 (in the actual morning!!) for my PET scan, Echocardiogram, an MRI, an ultrasound of lymph nodes, genetic testing and counseling…and then I will meet with my medical oncologist, Dr. Gretchen Kimmick.
I think the med onc appointment is to confirm my chemo protocols based on the testing – as of now I’m told I’ll have weekly treatments for 12 weeks, biweekly for 8, then recover for 6 weeks before whatever sort of surgery is indicated at that time. Then 4 weeks of daily radiation. And then possibly surgery for reconstruction if I have a mastectomy.
Jeesh… I guess we know the answer to what my plans are for 2018. I’m planning to continue working, riding, and exercising as much as I can through chemo. My surgeon said she knew people who did crossfit and triathalons through chemo so…we’ll see.
Aside from the people I’ve already named above, and Amy Grainger June (!!) who is coming to town Thursday for the first chemo day Friday and the weekend, there are too many people to list who have reached out to me or my family and I’m so so humbled by the love and concern. It is apparent that almost no one hasn’t been touched in some way by cancer of one form or another.
Over this past year, I dove back into studying and trying to maintain a regular mindfulness meditation practice. It is ironic in that it is pretty good training for managing through difficult health issues in addition to all the things it can add to an otherwise physically healthy life.
I have this saved in my phone and look at it often…a reminder for me now too.
May this suffering serve to awaken compassion. Bodhisattva
This year is also going to be a year for me to learn to accept love, support, concern and medical care from others…with grace. So, thank you, to everyone who is or will be a part of this healing journey*.
*I despise the word journey so please feel free to suggest alternative words!!
Healing experience
Share your unspoken fears in whispers to your horse. He’ll listen and understand you in his equine way, while he carries you and your burden on his broad back.
Sandra, you are a strong woman and will get through this surrounded with support from family and friends. Keep on keeping on! You are amazing!
I love the new profile pic! Tres chic!
Photo credit and selection to my brother. From a trip we took to see my mom and her husband Brett when they lived in Slovakia. But I think this is on the train to Vienna.
Loving and praying for you every day. Don’t be afraid to scream and cry, and to call me to do it. All emotions are acceptable and necessary, and I am here to lend my ears, shoulders, arms, and heart. You’re a tough broad, Sandra, but lean on us when you need to. Xoxo
Thank you so much, Randy. You’ll definitely be hearing from me. Your bravery is an inspiration for me. But I am practicing reaching out and letting people help. I need peeps. Big loves to you.