Great news! Alternate title: being brave doesn’t mean not being scared.

This past week was possibly the most challenging of my entire life.   I struggled since hearing the MRI results to control my attention and to try to prevent my brain from wandering too far down the path that threatened to consume me – fear.   While at the same time knowing it is healthy and normal to be afraid and that I might get some sort of freedom by trying to stay with the fear I was having weird superstitious feelings that if I let myself consider the possibility (that seemed very real based on the MRI) that my cancer may have gone on a wild adventure in my body while I was getting chemo…that somehow that might make it be real.   I knew the cancer was doing whatever it was doing, in my rational mind, but my superstitious side apparently didn’t want to think about it and definitely didn’t want to say metastasis out loud.

I had a PET scan Friday a.m. and Melissa and Jen both came with me at my request.   I was a bit grumpy and I realize now this was because I was stifling my fear.   But…fast forward to my surgeon calling at about 5 to tell me the PET scan didn’t show any new cancer and even better, the newly seen masses from the MRI, didn’t show up on the PET scan at all!!  So hopefully that means it’s just dead cancer cells.   I think my surgeon was nearly as surprised and relieved as I was.   I was so relieved and the waves of relief have continued every time I think about it and look back toward how I dealt with the past week.

My surgeon said she thinks it makes sense to continue with the left mastectomy and I’m perfectly okay with that…it doesn’t seem nearly as scary now that I know I’m not riddled with cancer cells.   I’ll meet with my surgeon and medical oncologist on Monday morning to review the imaging and prep for surgery the next day.   There may be some discussion about whether to continue with chemo after I heal from surgery or go straight to radiation.

Banner (the horse) has a minor (hopefully) injury from running around scared of fireworks with his pasture mates on the 4th of July so I’m off to tend to him.  Did I mention I despise fireworks?   I have been lucky to have Becca out at the farm where he’s boarded to tend to him – while I was busy yesterday and many other days.   She’ll be riding him and taking care of him while I’m out for surgery too – what a blessing to have her wanting to work with a young horse and me having a young horse who could use more handling and riding.   He’s gaining more muscle and becoming more balanced and even better behaved every day.

Whew.  What a week.  So grateful.