August 3, 2018
This week was a strange week for me. I guess every week has been strange, in it’s own way, since March 11/12th when I discovered the tumor in my breast. It’s gone now, along with my left breast and my lymph nodes on the left side, and I feel like I should be feeling better like all “victory over cancer!” but somehow I don’t. Maybe someday, but not today.
August 6, 2018
That entry above was a few days ago and I apparently lost interest after that final sentence. I’m not really sure why it was a rough week but I did get a good solid plan for my future treatment on July 30. Initially, I felt a mild elation at having a plan, by the next day I found myself feeling pretty meh about the plan and having a lot of anxiety about all the unknowns:
- 4-6 weeks of daily radiation – how will I, and my skin, respond to radiation (will I be able to wear some sort of bra that I can wear under clothes to a work meeting?), and how long will it take me to recover to get started on the next step?;
- 24 weeks of Xeloda (8 x 3 week cycles) – how will my body respond to six months of oral chemotherapy? Let’s hope I don’t get the hand/foot syndrome that has made some people lose their fingerprints?! But also how much will it impact my immune system and energy? How long will it take my immune system to recover for the finale of my treatment?
- And the finale, a major surgery (plus two minor follow up surgeries) to reconstruct my breast using skin/tissue from my body. This will include a longer recovery than the mastectomy but I’ve talked to patients who have had it and there is high satisfaction.
- After I get through that surgery and recovery there will be 10 years of tamoxifen or some drug that shuts down my ovaries. Both of those have different side effects I’ll need to consider – at a later date.
Of course, as anyone following my story so far has seen, everything is always subject to change with this sort of medical treatment. And that’s okay. I think I just needed some time to process it all.
Also, I rode my horse Banner this weekend!! Just walking and a tiny bit of trotting. He was lovely and it still confounds me how much more complete and full-hearted I feel after a ride on a good horse – even a very simple short ride. I was a paranoid about lymphedema so didn’t sleep well Saturday night as I was trying to find ways to sleep with my left arm as elevated as possible. But it was totally worth it! *note I got a prescription for a lymphedema sleeve today and will get it filled ASAP because I need my equine therapy!
One weird side effect note – yesterday I started getting a feeling of itchies kinda under my arm toward my back and of course went to scratch it and it’s numb so I can’t really scratch it?! So weird. Apparently this is not uncommon and is believe to be the work of nerves that are repairing themselves. I certainly hope that’s what they’re doing!
Great news this week on two fronts – I am back to working (mostly from home for now but can’t wait to get into the office) and I have my mom and her husband Brett here visiting from Zagreb, Croatia! So that will be fun to fill in some activities with them when I’m not working. It’s been a long time and it’s great to have them in town. Looking forward to the rest of the week and weekend.
Thank you, again, to all the wonderful folks supporting me on this path to a new way of living, post-cancer, hopefully for a very long and joyous time. The love I have felt from near and far buoys me through the lows that I have and I know are inevitable. Thank you, thank you. So much gratitude and any time I think of all of you my heart is full. Sometimes on this journey is needs a refill!