I am tired of this bleepity bleeping bleep!

It’s been a bit. I have completed radiation therapy. My skin is still processing it, I didn’t expect to have peeling and scabbing almost two weeks out, and hopefully it will recover soon. My optimism had me all like “oh yeah I should be back to 100% in a week” and my optimism was wrong. But I’m here and that’s good. Some days are better than others, I managed to pick up some sort of cold/malaise that resulted in much sleeping (for which I’m grateful since I was having a battle with insomnia the week before) and avoiding of people. It is ironic that being around people makes me feel better, generally, but then it’s cold season. I left the house today to go brush my horse, whom I haven’t had energy to ride since Tuesday, and pick up some groceries. Then I got home and realized I had to also put them away. I hate that. But now I have stuff to make vegetarian chili tomorrow, energy cooperating, so that is good.

I got a certificate when I finished radiation – one I didn’t get for chemo since I never finished and I also didn’t get for my mastectomy! Come on I feel like an I Survived Modified Radical Unilateral Mastectomy certificate seems appropriate? Okay maybe not. At any rate, my radiation oncology team was great but I wasn’t sad to say goodbye to daily trips to see them at the Duke Cancer Institute. Radiation appointments aren’t nearly the fun group activity that chemo was…it felt far more clinical to me despite a lovely team of therapists. I didn’t get to hang out and crack jokes, they’re on a schedule!

Anyway…a lot of well-meaning folks congratulating me on being close to the finish line…which would make sense if I had a lot of types of breast cancer. Lucky me, I have a “special” kind of breast cancer, triple negative. It’s not that unique but something like 20% of BCs, so a minority. I finally figured out the diagnosis is one of exclusion – basically it just means my cancer cells didn’t have the types of receptors that would allow for some of the new-fangled (okay not that new) targeted treatments work on them. So I got the full chemical, surgical, and nuclear treatment. Since chemotherapy did not kill all the cancer cells initially, the next step in this long treatment process, is 8 three week cycles of Xeloda. It’s an oral chemotherapy drug. So I won’t have to go to the hospital to get it. But no chemo hang-outs! On the bright side I should keep my hair and most patients don’t have too many side effects – most common is a sunburnt feeling/look on palms and the bottom of your feet. But I guess is that happens you stop the drug and they’ll adjust the dosage.

As things progress over the next couple of months, I’m hoping I regain my energy, as the worst part of radiation was the fatigue that accompanied it. So, fingers crossed for that. I’m not sure when I start Xeloda. Honestly, the whole treatment plan is so long, I’m not sure it really matters when it starts. Whenever they tell me!

As an added bonus, although my cancer was categorized as “triple negative”, it turns out that my cancers hormone receptors were slightly positive – so not positive enough to treat me with a more humane initial treatment but positive enough that they want to treat me for that too, long term, in the event it might prevent a recurrence. My notes from my last appointment with my medical oncologist mention aromatase inhibitors, ovary removal, and tamoxifen for ten years. I remember being shocked at the time frame of the latter but I don’t really know the overall plan. At some point prior to the ten years is up I should also have several reconstruction surgeries. I suspect that the ovary surgery, if required, would be before that.

So anyway. I want to get my life back to some semblance of normalcy. I took some time off from work during radiation, and spent most of my time going to appointments, resting, riding (my horse Banner was the key to me getting through radiation – bless him) and sleeping…and my plan is to ramp back up my hours at work. More slowly than I anticipated the day I finished radiation. I am still an optimist, and look forward to things getting better, but I am going to have to learn to adjust my pace and my expectations. I wish my body could tell me how long it needs, what sort of healing is going on behind the scenes, etc. but all I can do is pay attention as best I can and keep trying to take care of it as best I can.

Thanks to everyone who has provided me with love, prayers, a beautiful shawl, massage appointments, words of encouragement, and of course, laughs along the way. I could not get through this as well as I have but for my friends, colleagues (who are also friends!), and family. Family includes the animals – Scooter, Sister, Banner! ❤️🐶🐶🐴